When's the correct time to start a 14 hour trip split between two days? 8 AM? Perhaps excessive. 3 PM? Well, now you're pushing it. 10 AM or 11 AM… now that seems reasonable. But do you know what sounds like a horrible time to start that journey? 6 AM. That is the departure time of a group of people who did not pack the night before, stay up until 11 PM cleaning their house, and then toss and turn until at least midnight wondering what they forgot. All of which we did.
But that's not all folks! Out of the goodness of her heart, Mom drove a coworker to the airport… at 3:30 AM. And who is letting her drive 45 minutes back from the city without company on 4 and a half hours of sleep? Unfortunately, not me. And this evil timing was our complete downfall today.
When we returned from our little jaunt to the airport, Dad was already working on the puzzle of fitting everything into the trunk of the minivan… god forbid any McFarland sleep past 4 AM. Considering the three of us were ready to go, we decided to just bite the bullet and begin our trip at one of the most indecent hours possible.
Gideon, who just turned 16, has been absolutely smashing the whole learning to drive thing, so he drove us to get some gas, then we grabbed some coffee and were on our way!
Now this seems like a good point for an important introduction. Like on our first road trip, I have a cute little buddy to take pictures of and with wherever we go. He is a small Djungelskog stuffed animal from IKEA. Me and my close friend from college are his parents and we love him dearly… everyone meet Patrickskag (Patrick)!
So, with Patrick in hand, I took a long and well deserved nap. When I woke up at about 10:30 AM, I was nearly certain it was early afternoon. Oh, man, this is going to be a long day. Luckily, I had a good book, a new Gracie Abrams album and some good family to keep me company and pass the time.
By noon, mom was feeling like she needed a break, too, so we stopped at a Red Robin for lunch. Bless, because I always need to use the bathroom, so I was ready to go. If you didn't know, apparently Red Robin specializes in booby trapped bathrooms, because the floor had to be covered in lard for how slippery it was. When I tell you I saw my life flash before my eyes thrice in that bathroom, I am underestimating.
Not to worry, my survival warranted a prize: instigating mom's claw machine addiction. We spent 6 dollars at a rubber ducky claw game. It was quite a high bang for our buck, though, because we got about 9 ducks out of that machine. Except they are not ducks. They are the cutest little rubber cows. Well, that's a lie. We did get one duck, too. But we are trying to do one nice thing a day for others, and today we chose to duck a Jeep in the Red Robin parking lot on the way out!
Refortified, we departed for our next destination: Buccees. None of us had ever been, and I can now say with certainty it should have stayed that way. That store was almost as overstimulating as the T cars crowding up after a concert at Fenway. What I will say is at the very least, the bathrooms were quite nice.
What was even worse than Buccees, however, was the commute there. When I say absolute sheets of rain, I am not joking. I think the clouds just fell down and body slammed us, actually.
After those experiences, it was Mom's turn to take a nice long nap. I was elected to drive in her stead. Everything went smoothly while Mom was asleep. Once she was awake was when the fun began. We were stuck in traffic and Mom needed a snack. Acceptable. What was unacceptable? She began waving crackers with my Dad's famous cheese ball
out the window and offering it to passersby. I was mortified, but I warmed up to it. She offered various people other snacks as well, including their choice between Funyuns and doritos as well as lollipops. In this process, Gideon pointed out a trunk with a Please flash
sticker on it. With this knowledge, Dad proceeded to sit in the front seat with his shirt up for nearly a minute. Lastly and perhaps most excitingly, Mom completed a new tradition of ours: she lassoed in a semi. He was hesitant at first, but when she lassoed him again he had no choice. He played along while she pulled him in, had a great time and as a reward I let him merge in front of me when lanes were closing. He even gave us a honk goodbye!
We had planned to stay at a Drury Inn in Charlotte, but as soon as Mom went in to grab a room she came right back out. Ouch. No rooms. Okay, we tried another hotel nearby. Five minutes on hold… it was full too. One more across the street? Full too. Gideon, often our savior on these matters, mentioned a Holiday Inn 30 minutes away in Richburg. Mom booked immediately, then we all proceeded to get confused and gaslight her into thinking she had booked the wrong hotel. Smooth.
We ordered dinner from Steak and Shake. While me and Dad went in to pick it up, Mom was supposed to cancel the incorrect hotel. But she and Gideon strategized. It was the correct hotel and in the right direction the whole time! No cancellation calls necessary.
But it can't be that uncomplicated. We got off the highway exit and the hotel was down some kind of side utility road? And it was like… completely removed from the road. Like coming down this driveway you are sure you are being lured either into a murder or a cult or maybe both. But the hotel was there and had our reservation and the employees were nice. Ok, problem solved. Wrong. What greeted me and Mom when we entered me and Gideons room but the microwave glaring a coincidental 13 seconds exactly left on whatever it last cooked. Wow, creepy ambiance! Mom went to turn it off but it turned on instead! Odd. Me and Gideon thought we saw and heard things all night. We called it the devil's hotel room. We were certain it was haunted. I was getting chills all night. And here all I wanted was a full night's sleep, which I did end up getting, but at what cost?