7.22.26 Oppressive Sun and Heat, Hermit Crabs, Naps and Stars

To get tickets to this torture island amazing experience island, you need to pretend you're buying Taylor Swift tickets. They are released at the beginning of the month (who knows what day — its not consistent) and they are released in 30—day increments for 5 months out. So, we knew that the start of February, we had to try to get camping tickets for July. February 1st — no tickets. February 2nd Adam, Gid and I all have our optometrist appointments first thing in the morning. We don't even know if there is wifi in the optometrist office… at 8am I try to login from the office — and THE DATES ARE POSTED! Adam and Gideon start trying to login to increase our chances for torture island amazing experience island but BINGO, I got us tickets for the night we wanted! Phew! And it's only $15 a night for the torture fun!

Fast forward to the morning of camping. We have to get to the ferry entrance by 6am for a 7:30 launch. Seems extreme but they probably have a TON to tell us about camping overnight. We get to the van and unpack it just to repack it in a different order so we can get to our camping gear easier and to hide our treasures we are leaving overnight. We are on the side of the road (only street parking at this hotel) and are unpacking everything on the grass in front of some poor soul's house. Once we finally get everything back in the van, Abby announces it smells like sh*t in here. I think to myself it smells fine to me and just move on. Now I must implore you to go read Abby's blog for this day to see how the rest of this conversation went. I cannot do it justice.

We aren't sure where to park which causes some angst so we pull into the ferry parking lot. There is a man there with a really large truck and he looks rugged and like he likes camping. I hop out of the van and ask if he is from around here. He is trying to pay for parking at a machine, doesn't look up and just says nope. I say, ok, are you here for Dry Tortugas camping? and he says I would be but I couldn't get tickets so I'm just going for the day. And I thought I was being helpful explaining how hard it was to get tickets by saying Oh, it was so hard, we had to get them in February to which he responded I tried in JANUARY now kind of yelling. He then assures me that he will take our camping spot if we want? (moment of crisis for me because maybe I should take him up on this…just tell Adam and Gideon — weird, they don't have our reservation! But I pushed through and told him thank you, but we'll keep our reservation). I directed the man to where I thought he should park (down the street a bit at a parking garage). He told me he can't fit in a parking garage because his MAN TRUCK is too big and over 7ft tall. At this point, I decided this was no longer my problem and I stepped away. We left the ferry parking and drove further up the pier and found where we were meeting our captain for the day! Yay! We took out all our stuff we were allowed to bring and Adam went to drop the van off at the parking garage. At this point we look over and MAN TRUCK is trying to drive into a parking garage he can CLEARLY not fit in across the street. He slowly drives until he hits the roof the structure and slowly reverses and angrily drives away.

Wait, Courtney, what were you allowed to bring? Oh, I'm so glad you asked:

 1. A huge plastic cooler filled with non—refrigerated snacks, 6 gallons of water (expect 1 gallon per day per person — we brought extra b/c I'm thirsty)

 2. A huge plastic bin filled with two tents, sleeping pads and camping pillows, water shoes, headlamps, cameras

 3. One bag each filled with clothes, swimwear, medication, books, cards and SUNTAN LOTION

Me and the kids bring all this stuff up to the security guard lady who says you here for camping?. Very astute. I say yes!. She says great ,just need your IDs. I say ok, but he is a minor (pointing to our last minor, Gideon). She asks if he has a passport. I say but he is a minor. (not all minors have passports and also, we are going camping on a dry island…what is the risk!?) She insists a passport is needed. Great, we call Adam who is parking and beg him to find Gideon's passport in the packed van and he wasn't super happy about it as he had already finished packing and was heading towards the pier…but he went back like a trooper and got it!

While we are waiting on him, the captain of the boat shows up and announces McFarlands?! and I confidently say yes even though I'm terrified without Adam here to confirm our name is correct. He starts asking me questions about camping and I say nope, not me — wait for my husband and he asks if we are staying a couple of nights and gestures at our pile of stuff. I politely tell him just one night, but her and I have never camped before. He looks shocked but assures me that Abby and I probably thought of things we need that the boys didn't think of. He then hands me wristbands (like you get in the club) and asks me to put them on the family while he is spouting rules and ideas at me about camping. Including showing me a map and telling me which campground to go to and telling me where to bring my stuff all while I am trying to put wristbands on everyone, remember the rules, and refrain from vomiting from fear. Oh, and we all have to take Dramamine because we read the reviews on the ferry too late — lots of vomit. Do we have the Dramamine? Where is it? Finally the captain gets tired of waiting for Adam (it is approximately 6:07am) and says just bring your stuff and walk this way…but only Gideon has a wristband at this point and I'm still trying to find our waivers and gather the IDs and Adam is still MISSING. The captain sees we haven't put the wristbands on and is TOTALLY BAFFLED while I haven't gotten that done with my hands completely full, taking notes on campsites and rules, trying to find Dramamine, waivers and do a final check. He says put the bands on but this time with a bit of frustration. I tell myself to focus and I get the bands on Abby and start putting mine on when Adam arrives with the passport. It feels like heavenly music is playing when I see him. I trade the passport for the wristband and the captain tells Adam to bring the stuff to the end of the pier. On their walk, the captain gives Adam the same information he gave me because I think he realized how useless I was at this point (he was right). They return and give us one last piece of advice — they board the ferry in order of check—in so you should get up there. ANGRY MAN who didn't get a campsite is still here (not sure why since check—in for people who aren't camping isn't until 7am). He tells me he parked in the same lot as Adam (the one I suggested) because it allowed vehicles with heights of 7ft 2inches. He heads upstairs to wait for the office to open for check—in. We follow and wait behind him. It is about 6:30 and we have 30 minutes until the office opens. I'm so sorry but WHY AM I HERE SO EARLY?! Ok calm down. You're probably anxious about spending the night without a bed in the middle of nowhere. By the way, if you have a medical emergency out at Dry Tortugas, oh well. They can fly you out in a helicopter at a private fee of $70,000 or you can wait for the ferry. (cool) Breathe, Courtney, breathe.

By the time the office opens there are 400 people in line to check—in all who are wondering why they had to get here to early if the office doesn't open until 7 and we aren't leaving until 7:30. Also, the boat only fits 176 people so it was clearly not 400 people…

Finally, the office coordinator comes out and tell us the tickets we have with the QR codes that we were told to save to our electronic wallets are USELESS and to STOP SHOWING US YOUR PHONES/q> and that they only go by last name. She then tell us that she needs IDs for everyone EXCEPT FOR MINORS (gee, thank you security lady), and that she needs our signed waivers. Ok we got the waivers — yay! As they open the door, I tell ANGRY MAN to go first and he does, but he never signed the waiver so we skip past him and check—in. I give her Gideon's passport anyway to make Adam's pain bearable. She takes it.

We wait 30 minutes and then we get to board the boat with tickets #1 — 4 (first on!). The tour guide, Hollywood, tells us to sit closer to the front of the boat for less waves and vomit. We find a table and hunker down. Dramamine makes you sleepy — ok? Abby and I slept for about 2 hours of the 2.5 hour ferry ride. But we were awake to hear that we were getting to the island by 10:30 and that there was an 11:00am tour with Hollywood of the fort on the island, lunch on the boat for everyone but campers (us) from 11 — 1pm, and that you had to be back on the boat by 2:45 to leave with the ferry. He said 4 lucky people are camping tonight and you'll stay on the boat after everyone gets off to hear more instructions. We land and see the huge fort (very impressive) and head up to hear our instructions. The captain shows us the campsite, the place to use the restroom and gives us some thoughts on the island. He then tells us that the ferry will return the next day at 10:30 and that all our stuff should be ready for them to load by 10:00 (what?) and that we can eat lunch on the boat the next day (ok, great). He then ends with this sleep—stopping gem we will be back tomorrow unless there is a mechanical issue. If we can't get back, we'll come on Friday. If we're not coming, check there (showing a cork board) for a notice that we aren't coming. Don't show your panic, Courtney.

PS — the boat was completely fine — no rough waves, BUT there was vomiting from some people. And if you need to vomit they don't want you going in the bathroom? You are supposed to tell them and they bring you a bag to puke in. A guy had to throw up and he told them and Hollywood (the tour guide) brought him a bag, he puked at his seat and a table of 4 strangers while his wife rubbed his back and then Hollywood did the unthinkable. He grabbed the puke filled bag and closed it up and then threw it out. So today I learned that I cannot be a tour guide on this boat. Incapable.

We leave the boat, grab our snorkeling gear and start heading towards our campsite. Two rangers tell us that if day—travelers are in a campsite, we can just kick them out (oh yeah, no worries on that) or we can come ask them for help. We find a campsite that is shady and looks great BUT some day—travelers have dumped their stuff there while they go snorkeling. Welp, the rangers said we could take the spot so we did. I mean, we did pay $15 to stay in these luxury accommodations. As we are setting up the tents, the day—travelers who were snorkeling come back and are a bit upset to see we have started getting unpacked and using the table stamped FOR CAMPSITE USE ONLY. They sit down so as to further stake their claim and I start making subtle comments about how the campsite was pretty cheap and it's nice how they let us have a table too! No movement or recognition from them…

Once we are fully setup, we decide to go snorkeling so I turn to our friends, as Abby calls them, and said we are going snorkeling, so you can use the table to which the rich white man responded we are staying here until we leave on our sea—plane. (remember that was $595 per person and he was with 5 other people…). I said yeah, you can use the table and we were off!

Reading reviews of national parks are hysterical — especially the negative ones. For one of the parks we did on our last trip a gentleman was upset that the waterfalls were turned off and ended his rant with Thanks, Obama which we found rather hysterical. For the record, there was a drought…

The reviews for Dry Tortugas did not disappoint either. The sand is just broken shells, the ferry nightmares, the rangers are mean and disinterested in helping and the hermit crabs try to get in your stuff. One man also noted that the car sank as soon as he tried to drive here…

As we start walking with our scuba gear towards the beach, I do see that there are a LOT of broken shells so that review stands true. Regarding the rangers…I mean they chose to live 10 days of every month on a deserted island…they aren't here for the people.

We are on the south beach surrounded by 172 other people who are trying to snorkel too. We put our stuff down, put on our life vests and start walking towards the water. The life vests have crotch clips where there is a piece of nylon that runs from the front of the life vest to the back through your crotch area. Adam and I tightened ours and the kids …didn't. (stay tuned). Me, Abby and Gideon get our fins on and forget we are supposed to walk backwards to get into the water and instead struggle like total goons walking forward in our fins and almost faceplanting multiple times. Adam, of course, remembers to walk backwards and glides in with ease 😀. We can snorkel in south or north beach or we can try to swim between them and around the huge moat of the fort. We decide to just stick with south beach for now, we can always snorkel more tomorrow. But once we were in the warm bath water, we were LOCKED IN. The water was very clear and you could see tons of fish, coral, other swimmers' booties and seaweed. Along the moat (which took over 20 years to build by prisoners), we could see a lot of marine life. Gideon and I saw some HUGE fish and screamed at each other underwater but neither of us know what it was…

It is hard to see the difference between people in the water when you all have snorkel gear on. But because of the crotch straps, we got accustomed to seeing each other's well—defined booties and we could identify them easily. For the record, Gideon had the biggest show.

We kept going and going until low and behold we were at the North beach on the other side of the island. We took a quick rest and then started heading back. On the way back we were against a LOT of waves and current so it was a bit less clear and a bit more work, but we all made it. A couple of travelers told us they saw squid, but we couldn't find them… Oh well. Still a lot of cool stuff seen and a nice break from the oppressive sun and heat.

We decide to get out of the water and take a break and by now it is around 1pm. Both kids note that they have sunburnt the side of their necks. They both have the same marks on their necks and we're a bit puzzled until we realize they actually had rash burns from the nylon from the life vests because they didn't tighten the crotch strap. See, kids? Always tighten the crotch strap. But we all did get burns from that snorkeling but all in different places. Adam is burned only on the very top of his butt. I am burned only on the bottom of my butt (making it hard to sit). Abby has a weird burnt six pack patch on her back (see Biscayne pictures) and Gideon is burnt in a strange pattern on the back of his calves. We later figure out the only part NOT burnt on Gideon's back of his calves was two small areas where it was clear he sprayed the sunscreen but never rubbed it on…

We get back to our campsite and our friends had moved to another table. PS — the shell/sand gets REALLY hot and Abby and I almost boiled our feet on the way back. By the time we get back to the campsite, we are already kind of dry from the oppressive sun and heat (I'm going to keep saying that). I decide now is the time to read the paper instructions provided about the rules at Dry Tortugas (the captain shared them during the morning panic). Nothing too scary here except one surprising one: if there is a Cuban landing, tell the rangers immediately. I had to ask Adam what this even means…he explained. My first thought was…I think I'd offer them water and pop—tarts before telling the rangers? But Ok…

Abby and I decide it is time for an afternoon nap and we can do the official fort tour tomorrow, and give ourselves a self—tour after our nap and after the ferry leaves today at 3pm. I hop in the tent with Abby and we lay down to rest. At this point the Chinese water torture began for me…as I am trying to rest, sweat just starts dripping down my stomach over and over again in the same place. I start thinking maybe if I ask to get back on the ferry today they'll let me! but realize I need to say for the stars and pull it together. Abby and I did get a bit of sleep and once we hear the Ferry leave, we decide it is time to go to the fort and adventure!

Gideon and Abby go back to the dock to change in the change rooms they have. Adam and I decide to just change in the tent. Oh man. That was a mess. Let's just say putting a sports bra ON a sweaty body is apparently worse than taking one off… Adam had to help me out of that tangle.

Once dressed, we grabbed our cameras and head off to the fort. Before we started touring, we went to the gift shop (yes they had one) where they had AIR CONDITIONING AND ACCEPT CREDIT CARD PAYMENT. (this is where I was angry that I was living in the 1500s but COULD have been living differently…still…I signed up for this). The shop was cute, the ranger running the shop was NOT friendly as we were warned and the room showing a video on history of the island and fort in EXTREME air conditioning? Well, that was divine…We spent as much time there as we could and then headed out for our informal tour.

Wow, this fort was incredible. I really recommend you read about it but I'll save you the history here as this blog is already long enough. We got lots of great shots and pictures, adventured through the first, second and top floor easily. There were lots of comforting signs like falling bricks, continue at your own risk, and this place is collapsing so be careful (not really on that last one but basically). Abby reminds us this is why we signed waivers. On the second floor Gideon spots a hermit crab. How on EARTH did it get up here? Adam engages for the nice deed of the day and grabs him and brings him back to the first floor. Imagine if that hermit crab had just spent months getting up the stairs and we undid his work?!

We got lots of great pictures, and lots of shade. We also could see down into the moat and across all the local islands from the top of the fort which was amazing and humbling. We were finally cooked enough under the oppressive sun and heat so we headed back to our campsite to sit in the shade which was like only 86 degrees instead of 87. The feel like temperature was in the high 90s though but you could hardly tell from the insanity caused by the oppressive sun and heat. We ate a gourmet dinner (warm uncrustables) and snacks and read our books for a bit. Adam, me and Abby then retreated to our tents until sunset and fell asleep for a bit. Gideon stayed on the bench and took a nap there. At sunset, we trekked back out to south beach and enjoyed a beautiful walk along the top of the moat and a VERY quick sunset around 8:30pm.

We then headed back to our camp. There were two other groups camping on the island that night. A family of 5 (mom, dad and three kids) who had been there since Monday and were staying until Friday. These are true HARDCORE HEROS and our favorite type of people — ones we never spoke to. Then there were a group of 2 campers. They wanted to chat but we made it clear that we were here for the stars and the stars alone. They had been there one night but were staying one more with us. They were a strange pair — it seemed like mother and son, but they didn't act as such? That part remains a mystery to this day…

We were the first to go to bed of all the families but to be fair we set alarms for 1am to see the stars and hopefully the milky way that night. I get in the tent in the same clothes I wore for the day with no intention of ever changing again unless I am near air conditioning. Also, the smell emanating from all four of us due to the oppressive sun and heat was SPECIAL. I think if there WERE predators on the island, they would avoid us. The tent is so hot and I assure Adam we will not ever touch on this evening and make him move as far away from me as is possible in a tent (not far). The Chinese water torture begins again…

I sleep like a hotdog at a state fair. Rotating constantly, dripping sweat and burning lines into my skin from the air mattress. I was up pretty much once an hour, and woke up at 12:50am so I didn't need to wake up the rest of the campers with an alarm. We got up, used our headlamps or book lights and started walking back to South Beach. The stars — they were worth waiting for. It was so dark and the stars were SO BRIGHT. We could kind of see milky way lines but the moon was really bright so we missed on truly seeing the milky way. But man were those stars gorgeous. Everything we had imagined. We didn't get a lot of great shots for you to see — but we got them in our heads and that's what we were here for.

We went to the horrific compost toilets and then went back to bed.

Good Deed for the Day: Hermit Crab Rescue (or Revenge?)

Ended the Day: In a hot tent

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